This has been my first and last attempt at love.
I have never lied to him. I have waited for him to solve himself out or to allow me to disentangle him. I do not know the reason why this has been our fate… I do not know about you Mehdi, but I miss you. More than I used to miss you when you were busy in your edeavours. I have tried…. I tried till the end….
And I love you still. I couldn’t love your in your versions of love. They were too rudimentary. My versions of love were a bit sacred and deep. Had you plunged in the depths may be you would have understood that everything and anything was all yours and only for you.
You will never leave me and I will keep loving you. With or without you.
Living in your afterglow….
”I have managed to stay aloof from you. I do not talk to you as much too.”, he coldly said. After having her interests developed and attachments too, he discarded hours long conversations about everything and anything.
What was so new? She knew the answers but was too afraid to admit. The ‘new’ was another girl… His interests in girls developed as her interests in Kayle Jenner’s line of cosmetics. He treated girls and feelings like material objects. His toys were perhaps people.
”But that is your way of avoiding attachments. I can not do that.”, she was astonished at his blatant lies.
”I have not said I loved you. You showed interest in me, so I started feeling differently for you.”, his eyes were cold and face expression less and for the first time she felt the chills in her bone. She saw that he pretended to be warm, lively and normal but he had been cold. Ice cold and dead. For years, perhaps and he felt nothing. He would never feel anything except the weight of his lies that he had piled up and that too would only make him more cold.
She left. Without arguing, without a word. He deserved nothing from her. Two years came crashing down along with the flawed dreams of forever.
“I saw your flaws and I found them much similar to mine, I saw your fears and I could relate and I saw how badly you were treating yourself for all that has gone wrong and I wanted to love you and assure you that all will be right! Such attachments are lethal! Terrific but destructive!”, she whispered those words to a picture she held in her hands.
P.S Random thought.
“We do not always get what we wish for.”, he said. “We actually NEVER get what we wish for unless our wish coincides with what destiny has decided to throw at us… “
”We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
“I do not like hope.”, she said.
“It is one of the reasons why most of us are sad. You see, we cling to the tiniest possibility, the 1% and connect all our expectations to that. The 1% however, becomes a success with luck. Not everyone gets to have that.”
When you empower over the fear and insecurities and liberate yourself in the atmosphere… Life begins to make some sense.
“But my silence is for me. Not for you. Not anything against you. It is just difficult to explain…”, he said.
“How?”, just a mere whisper.
“It is… is me questioning myself and it is me being too loud inside my head. It is me repelling the world and at the same time drawn towards it. It is me wondering and wandering.
I am reluctant towards many thing people instantly leap and grab on. It however does not mean I am fog struck. I have a clear prospect. I am analyzing the pros and cons, I am mediating, I am recovering and I am pondering whenever I am silent.
It is sometimes like a tug of war. In between many options and many chances many what ifs I am pulled, and pulled apart! So I shut my mouth and let it be. It is not that I shut my mouth in anguish, it is my kind of let it be.
Like the anchors hold the ship amidst water, my silence anchors me amidst whatever life throws at me. Pleasant and unpleasant both. My silence is my satisfaction and my restlessness both.I just want someone, not all but just one living soul to understand what my silence means. Better than the way I myself can explain. To understand when it is happiness and when it is sadness and be in complete harmony with my soul. Just like that. ”
P.S title credits belong to the song SMILE of Ronan Keating. It was one of fav songs when I listened to music 1.5 years ago and my most fav line was “You say it best, when you say nothing at all.”
“They all fake it. Fake it with their appearance but the aura and vibes you get in presence of a person are never wrong. Eyes are never wrong. I notice eyes as if I am reading the secrets of the soul. Eyes never lie.
I do not care the way people look if their is a hint of treachery in you, I maintain a significant distance. After all a person is known by the company he/she keeps.”
I believe it to be true. The biggest project you ever take up in your life is taking care of yourself! Making the right decisions and for once appreciating yourself for who you are! Neglecting oneself in the race of life is the bad we inflict upon ourselves sometimes unintentionally and when the consequences of it get severe, then only we realize our mistake.
So for today, be kind to yourself. Start treating yourself as something important to you.
My doctor often said:
“Without you there won’t be exams to give, tasks to accomplish and money to earn in your life. So the most important resource you have in hand is yourself. Make a good use of this resource and blessing!”
Keep smiling! 🙂