This has been my first and last attempt at love.
I have never lied to him. I have waited for him to solve himself out or to allow me to disentangle him. I do not know the reason why this has been our fate… I do not know about you Mehdi, but I miss you. More than I used to miss you when you were busy in your edeavours. I have tried…. I tried till the end….
And I love you still. I couldn’t love your in your versions of love. They were too rudimentary. My versions of love were a bit sacred and deep. Had you plunged in the depths may be you would have understood that everything and anything was all yours and only for you.
You will never leave me and I will keep loving you. With or without you.
Living in your afterglow….
”I have managed to stay aloof from you. I do not talk to you as much too.”, he coldly said. After having her interests developed and attachments too, he discarded hours long conversations about everything and anything.
What was so new? She knew the answers but was too afraid to admit. The ‘new’ was another girl… His interests in girls developed as her interests in Kayle Jenner’s line of cosmetics. He treated girls and feelings like material objects. His toys were perhaps people.
”But that is your way of avoiding attachments. I can not do that.”, she was astonished at his blatant lies.
”I have not said I loved you. You showed interest in me, so I started feeling differently for you.”, his eyes were cold and face expression less and for the first time she felt the chills in her bone. She saw that he pretended to be warm, lively and normal but he had been cold. Ice cold and dead. For years, perhaps and he felt nothing. He would never feel anything except the weight of his lies that he had piled up and that too would only make him more cold.
She left. Without arguing, without a word. He deserved nothing from her. Two years came crashing down along with the flawed dreams of forever.
“I saw your flaws and I found them much similar to mine, I saw your fears and I could relate and I saw how badly you were treating yourself for all that has gone wrong and I wanted to love you and assure you that all will be right! Such attachments are lethal! Terrific but destructive!”, she whispered those words to a picture she held in her hands.
P.S Random thought.
“We do not always get what we wish for.”, he said. “We actually NEVER get what we wish for unless our wish coincides with what destiny has decided to throw at us… “
”We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.” – Thich Nhat Hanh
“I do not like hope.”, she said.
“It is one of the reasons why most of us are sad. You see, we cling to the tiniest possibility, the 1% and connect all our expectations to that. The 1% however, becomes a success with luck. Not everyone gets to have that.”
“I am not sure if I feel anything.”, she said. “Its like my soul has shut down, stopped to feel. Both sadness and happiness. I am just floating on the surface ready to embrace whatever is destined for me.
I used to be afraid of sadness. I used to fear heartache in the wake of love, I used to fear attachments, I used to fear the fall after soaring too high, I used to fear a lot. But then I experienced it all. You see, happiness ends and is followed by melancholy. Both are consecutive, so in life at one moment you are on cloud nine and at other moment you are drowning and suffocating for air and the former moment is not mere moment but eternity on its own! The only thing that helps you survive through this lengthy phase of sinking is, the memory of being on cloud nine.
So I have felt too much to feel anything for a while….”
When you empower over the fear and insecurities and liberate yourself in the atmosphere… Life begins to make some sense.
To the quiet and confusion,
both of which have been,
devouring my soul.
She collects the droplets of mist,
as though they are,
scattered bits of her own,
and as the hour passes by,
she keeps missing you more,
as though you are,
her lost home!!